Okay gang, settle in. Last weekend I wanted some fun snacks for movie night, but man, those fancy store-bought crackers? Wallets gonna cry. Figured, how hard could it be? Flour, water, salt… seemed simple. Spoiler: First try was a dusty hockey puck situation. Let me walk you through this mess.
Stage 1: The “Why Not?” Phase
So Sunday afternoon hits, kids occupied, pantry stared back at me. Saw my big jar of flour just sitting there. Remembered seeing those pricy little squares at the store, maybe five bucks a box? Felt stupid paying for basically baked water. Grabbed:
- The flour bag (all-purpose)
- Salt shaker
- Olive oil bottle
- Water jug
- Herbs from a forgotten spice rack thingy
Thought I was set. Famous last words.
Stage 2: Dust Bowl Kitchen
Started dumping. One cup flour? More like one cloud of flour exploding everywhere. Counter looked like a blizzard hit. Remembered needing water and oil. Poured… maybe half a cup water? Tablespoon of oil? Pinch of salt? Didn’t measure jack. Stirred it all with a fork like a caveman. Got this sticky, lumpy mess sticking to everything. Tried rolling it out directly on the floured counter. Bad. Idea. The dough laughed at me, stuck to the rolling pin, tore when I looked at it sideways. Finally wrestled some flat patches, tried cutting shapes with a knife. Crooked squares, blobby circles. Whatever. Sprinkled on some dried rosemary and garlic powder. Felt fancy.
Into the oven it went. Set it to… medium-high? Around 375°F maybe? Timer for 10 minutes. Smelled okay at first. Then… burning. Sprinted. Pulled out a tray of little brown-black tiles. Tasted one. Tasted like cardboard soaked in burnt herbs. Crunched? More like shattered. Kids wouldn’t touch ’em. Dog sniffed and walked away. Solid failure. Cleanup took ages.
Stage 3: Swallowing Pride & Measuring
Monday. Pride bruised. Annoyed the flour won. Dug around online real quick, not for fancy recipes, just basic ratios. Big difference: actual measuring spoons and cups. Who knew?
Tried again, this time:
- Measured: One cup flour EXACTLY.
- Added HALF a teaspoon salt (not the kitchen sink pinch)
- TWO tablespoons olive oil.
- FOUR tablespoons cold water, splash by splash.
Used the fork to mix at first, then got my hands in there. Squished it just until it came together. Didn’t overwork it like last time. That was key! Lump-free! Flour bombed the counter again properly this time. Put the dough ball down. Plenty of flour under it AND on top. Rolled it smooth and thin. Thin as paper almost! Took effort, but no sticking disaster. Used a pizza cutter for legit straight lines. Made squares and triangles. Poked holes all over the tops with a fork so they wouldn’t puff up like little pillows.
Seasoning trial: Half got just salt, half got salt + oregano + a tiny sprinkle of red pepper flakes. Learned from the inferno batch!
Stage 4: Oven Whispering
Preheated the oven properly to 400°F. Made sure it was hot before trays went in. Used baking paper on the tray this time – genius, no sticking! Lined up the little shapes. Set timer for 6 minutes. Peeked. Edges barely starting to tan. Another 3 minutes? Checked. Golden brown looking good, some darker spots starting. Pulled ’em out FAST before the burn returned. Left ’em on the tray for a minute. Heard them crackle as they cooled. THAT sound! Like tiny fireworks. Tested one. CRUNCH! Real cracker crunch! Salty, crispy, actually good! The spiced ones had a nice little kick.
The Final Tally
Flour? Pennies. Water? Tap. Salt & herbs? Barely anything. Oil? A couple tablespoons. Maybe fifty cents total? Took maybe 30 minutes active time for the good batch. Yielded two big cookie sheets full. Beats five bucks for a little box any day. Tasted way fresher, no weird ingredients. Kids scarfed ’em down with hummus. Win. Lessons? Measure stuff, roll thin thin THIN, watch the oven like a hawk. Simple? Mostly. Cheap? Heck yeah. Now my pantry flour is dangerous.
